A transcript of the five o’clock news broadcast on Christmas Eve

Tonight on channel thirteen news, we start with our very own war correspondent in Ukraine,
Bronk Stuntman. He filed this report earlier today:

An eerie scene here on the battlefields of eastern Ukraine this evening has left many in the west feeling uneasy and fearful for the fate of the soldiers on both sides of the front lines. Earlier this morning the constant explosions of mortar and artillery fire slowly fell silent, startling local residents and international observers, with the fear that the Russian armed forces had eliminated the Ukrainian defences and had stormed their positions. When columns of Ukrainian soldiers marched silently through the center of the village carrying no weapons and with no armored machinery as rearguard, the worst was feared; that they had been taken away as prisoners of war and Russian units would soon appear to take control of this strategic logistics junction…but no foreign soldiers ever appeared.

With my camera team we slowly made our way to the last line of defence to find it deserted, as well as the second and first lines of trenches and dugouts that were facing off against the Russian front lines. What we found there was shocking!

In the no-man’s land, razor wire had been cleanly cut and pulled wide of the minefields, where hundreds of little white flags, in front of each opposing trench, each marked the location of a landmine hidden under a thin layer of dirt and leaves. Heavy boot prints in the mud suggest that soldiers very deliberately created foot paths indicating how comrades and enemies alike could safely traverse these treacherous, war-ravaged fields.

In the trenches, we found mortar tubes stuffed with pine branches, dirt and rocks; heavy machine guns with their barrels sawed clean off. Soldier’s rifles were planted in the mud of the trenches, barrels first, leaving the weapons inoperable. Hand grenades had their pins soldered into place, and the larger firing pins in the heavy guns had been blunted, and bent. Helmets and body armor lay in the dust where they were shed from off of heads and shoulders. Tanks and armored personnel carriers smoldered from the inside, set alight by deserting armies, on both sides.

What could the soldiers have witnessed that was so horrifying to make them all desert their posts en masse? What news could they have received to make them all flee the battlefield? It is unclear how the war will proceed from here but there will be big questions in the world’s capitals tonight as we brace for the economic and political fall out of this war spontaneously ending.

“Live in the Don Bas,
I am Bronk Stuntman.”
“Back to you, George.”

More breaking news tonight! We are receiving this evening unconfirmed reports of a massive military operation in the Mediterranean Sea involving naval and coast guard vessels and aircraft off the coasts of Spain, Italy, and Greece. Reporters from local affiliate stations are telling us of a massive civilian mobilization in the coastal towns and cities across Europe’s southern borders that has brought the everyday lives in these idyllic seaside alcoves to a virtual stand still, disrupting centuries-old Christmas traditions.

Sources tell us that cutters, boarding vessels and hospital ships were loaded with thousands of tons of blankets, field beds, ready to eat food, clean drinking water, and medical equipment in the early morning of Christmas Eve, with orders to intercept and board a flotilla of unidentified boats approaching European territorial waters.

NATO command in Brussels, Belgium has not been able to assess the intention of the ships spotted by the Greek coastguard less than three hundred miles south of the island of Gavdos. Further aerial reconnaissance suggests that dozens of unsafe vessels are filled with thousands of war refugees, believed to have departed from ungovernable port cities on Libya’s northern coast. Naval vessels departing from European harbors are prepared for a forecast winter storm at sea with high winds and swells up to four meters long.

Yacht clubs in the countries participating in the rescue operation have been ordered opened by local emergency authorities to provide safe landings for smaller crafts carrying those needing the hospital beds which are being prepared up and down the coastlines. Medical staff all over southern Europe have been recalled from holiday furlough to staff makeshift triage stations at the harbors and ports on Crete, Sicily, Sardinia, Majorca and in Valencia on the Spanish mainland.

The rescue armada is expected to begin arriving into safe ports by early evening, despite the protest of right wing opposition parties who are against admitting more refugees fleeing northern African and sub-Saharan war zones, claiming that, “the government does not have a competent plan nor the budgets to receive and care for “another horde of indigents.” Despite the objections from nationalist politicians, mayors across the southern islands of Italy and Greece report that local residents are registering en masse to be host families for the new arrivals, overwhelming municipal offices, phone lines, and websites.

In local news, the problem of homelessness in Pottersville is causing political friction this Christmas Eve as a polar vortex threatens to inundate the greater metropolitan area with blizzard conditions and sub-zero temperatures.

The governor is criticising Pottersville’s mayor, Richard Jenkins, for his slow action and lack of vision in the face of the forecasted crisis, and has ordered the state’s National Guard to seek out and round up those sleeping under bridges and in unwarmed structures, and bring them to jails, schools and other municipal buildings where they will be registered and assigned a bed for the duration of the cold arctic temperatures.

From early this morning the city’s emergency services were inundated with those seeking protection from the dropping temperatures and freezing rain, and shelters began turning away late comers as early as ten o’clock in the morning. Local churches, mosques, and synagogues have been answering the call from the Red Cross to open their places of worship and to allow the setting up of warming centers, soup kitchens and sleeping quarters for those who have no other place to hide from the elements.

It is estimated that the city is approximately three hundred beds short and has no further budget this year for emergency services after overspending on the Thanksgiving parade at the start of this year’s holiday season. Local clergy are sounding the alarm among their parishioners, asking for emergency donations and for volunteers to brave the weather to help prepare enough places for the less fortunate, even though city officials complain that such appeals will only endanger more lives, clogging already snowbound city streets and stretching police and traffic authorities even thinner.

In business news on this Christmas Eve, shareholders of International Breweries Holdings, the world’s largest brewer and distiller, have filed an emergency lawsuit in federal court earlier today in St. Louis, suing the CEO and Board of Directors for financial malfeasance and are seeking a court injunction to halt charitable donations being carried out around the world today by the company.

International Breweries Holdings (IBH) was by far the biggest loser on Wall Street today. Rumors originating from the Chicago commodities exchange spooked traders before the early bell as inventories of wheat, barley, and potatoes, all key ingredients of holiday spirits, fell to their lowest levels in five years due to the company’s record-breaking donations to food banks, and homeless and refugee shelters around the world. Hundreds of tons of wheat and potatoes were delivered by IBH’s own trucks to city soup kitchens in Los Angeles, New York, and Chicago as well as right here in Pottersville, and abroad in the war ravaged cities of Kyiv, Jaffa & Gaza City, as well as to numerous refugee centers in Poland, Italy, Spain and Greece. The shareholders group, represented by the London law firm, Marley & Scrooge, are demanding an immediate end to the donation deliveries.

In health news tonight, mental healthcare professionals are speaking out this holiday season and encouraging residents of Pottersville to be aware of those around them who may be suffering from a seasonal disorder that psychologists are calling “Negative Noticing”. Those afflicted with the disorder, especially around the winter holidays, have much more difficulty seeing positive aspects of events happening around them, leaving them victims of a cognitive function of the brain called “negative bias.” The best way to help your family members and friends who may be struggling with this condition on Christmas Eve is to switch off televisions, computers and other mobile viewing devices that may use cellular and wifi signals in their homes and seek good company, focus on happy memories and perform random acts of kindness that may go unreported. Psychologists emphasize the positive effect that a repeated message of peace on earth and goodwill toward all mankind can have… if we’ll just let it!

That’s all for tonight.
Merry Christmas, George.
Merry Christmas, Janice.

And Merry Christmas to all of our nightly news viewers right here on channel thirteen.

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